GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
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Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”