Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
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It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING