Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
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My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
What?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
*mops up wine with cat*
I could NOT have put it better myself.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
A choir of Spring onions
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo