Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
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Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.