[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
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“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
This story is comedy gold 😂
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Solving a traffic jam
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”