Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
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[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
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Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.