Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
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I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.