@bornmiserable “Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
@bogadafet Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
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@bornmiserable 
@mrjohntofu Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
@primawesome Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
@TurboJellyBean At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
@goodgrief_rats A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
@ThisOneSayz Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
@dafloydsta [job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
@Carbosly There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
@KateWouldHaveIt “Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
@tamberinetango Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%