@bogadafet

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

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@Jenny4ashley

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

@thegoodgodabove

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

@LoveNLunchmeat

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

@iamjohnsarris

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

@radtoria

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

@simoncholland

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.