Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
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I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Great acting.. 😂
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
The glockness monster
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.