@bogadafet

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

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@bornmiserable

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

@mrjohntofu

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

@primawesome

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

@TurboJellyBean

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

@goodgrief_rats

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

@Carbosly

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

@KateWouldHaveIt

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

@tamberinetango

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%