Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

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“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”


Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.


Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.


At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.


A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.


Me: Just once?


Me: Please?


Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?


[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first


There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.


“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.


Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%