@Jenny4ashley Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
@bogadafet Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
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@Jenny4ashley 
@OhNoSheTwitnt I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
@thegoodgodabove I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
@slimmy_shady Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
@LoveNLunchmeat If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
@iamjohnsarris My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
@radtoria Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
@simoncholland My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
@SPDERM4N 
@ashleyfeinberg fixed it
