shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
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The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?