Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
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INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I’m literally crying
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge