guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
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Me checking my bank balance online.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Risking my life for fun.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.