[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
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If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
do what now??
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.