[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
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It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct