*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
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Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house