Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
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I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.