Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
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If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I needed a laugh this morning.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see