guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
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“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.