Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
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Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
*about to die*
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.