Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

[ alone in a dark cemetery ]

me: marco

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.