[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
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[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
The dark side of Canada
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.