Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
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4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.