GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

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PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school


I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.


He’s never gonna let me down.


Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.


[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face


*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel


ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all


Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.


I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.


Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.


JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY