GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
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Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
What personal space?
My dog
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting