GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
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My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)