Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
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Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I want what they have
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
put ‘er there pardner!
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
These aliens are taking forever.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.