[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
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The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York