*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
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How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
very niche meme I made
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Everything reminds me of my ex
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.