@AshleyAlready

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

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@ArfMeasures

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

@FunnyIsFamily

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

@FeverFlave

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

@MissBamanthaa

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

@FatherWithTwins

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

@HomeProbably

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

@EliBraden

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

@pixelatedboat

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

@roywoodjr

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.