Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
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I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
*skinny dips into black hole
My dad.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
😂😂
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”