GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
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wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Mountain Goat : )