Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
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If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?