*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
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[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Imma just leave this here…………
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
when mom throws a party…
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now