[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
You Might Also Like
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
So creative 😂
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.