Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
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The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Holy crap this is wonderful
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!