GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
You Might Also Like
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol