“Guy walks into a bar”
*and is eliminated from the limbo contest
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Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
HOW DARE YOU
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it