@RealSudoNim

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

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@PaperWash

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

@GetCougarized

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

@TomItUp

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

@Brianhopecomedy

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

@dreamthievin

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

@cool_pond

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

@JennyJohnsonHi5

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.