Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
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looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
*cough*
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)