Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

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So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?


I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.


“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”


Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.


I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.


My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.


[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u


‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.