Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

I went from rags to one rag.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.