Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
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The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.