Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
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I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
This has made my week.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future