guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
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Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Encore…
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?