GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

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Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…


“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”


I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.


I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.


7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]


I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.


Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same


When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.