Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
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“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.