@LoveNLunchmeat Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
@Coolisiana GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
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@LoveNLunchmeat 
@ItsAndyRyan “I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
@lakeanagirl I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
@TheTweetOfGod An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
@Grommit56 I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
@KateWhineHall 7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
@ramblinma I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
@OzKamal Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
@Social_Mime When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
@abhorrent_wife Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.