@Coolisiana

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

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@_blotty

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

@whatsJo

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

@onion_an

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

@i_Lean

“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.

@Cpin42

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

@Ndeshi_M

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

@IanDouglasTerry

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

@paulblue23

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

@YoungNobler

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”