GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
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Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
My daily affirmation
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Wikigenius
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE