guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
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My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.