GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
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sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
WHO DID THIS?
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.