GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
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I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.