Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
You Might Also Like
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
spot the difference
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
So sick of all these stupid rules
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle