GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
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REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
🙀🙀🙀😹
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend