guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
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Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet