guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
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I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
eggs benadryl
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.