Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
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*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
NOT all policemen are strippers.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
what
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?