[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
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Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.