[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
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me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.