[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
You Might Also Like
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.