GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
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Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
ㅤ A R G H
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Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
*seductively peels off lederhosen
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
wait.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit