guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
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Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
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📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!